Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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