sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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