he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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