im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
