Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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