I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize