life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
