is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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