I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
