I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
