I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
