I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
