I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
