i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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