I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
