i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
