OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
