dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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