go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
splinters make it hard to masturbate
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
