Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
