My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
