I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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