Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
