my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
