I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have fence marks all over my body
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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