We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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