When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize