cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
high people should be assigned attendants
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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