if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
