I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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