Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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