Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
