I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
