Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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