I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize