When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
