life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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