i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
cat food counts as protein by the way
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We had sex on a dog bed..
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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