Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize