dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
