if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
