I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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