nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
