Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
