i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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