Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
