I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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