I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
