Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
