Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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