How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I am available for nakedness
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize