At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
