so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
no you cant smoke seaweed
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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