The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
