i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I am available for nakedness
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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