Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
