i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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