so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
